I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
