Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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