i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
