Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
