I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
