if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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