i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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