I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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