You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
