I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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