so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize