dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
