I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
