Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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