i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My ass is underappreciated
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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