just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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