you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
