You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
