Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
