Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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