At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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