I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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