Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
