Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
