Soap is not a condiment
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
