I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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