Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
