I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
a search helicopter?!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
