i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
