I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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