my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
