i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
