i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
