I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
