Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
