Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
