So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize