made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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