i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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