walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
