Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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