I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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