YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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