I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize