Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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