If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
