dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
