Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize