I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
