I bet he comes in French.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
