....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
