just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So apparently I’m into choking now
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