His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
