the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize