I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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