You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
