America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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