Michael Bay diarrhea
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
